


Charity Work

by big_zs_d_stan



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Crack, F/M, I apologize in advance, a lesson in why you don't give the people what they want, like crack cocaine level of crack, like seriously crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 16:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15223061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/big_zs_d_stan/pseuds/big_zs_d_stan
Summary: You meet Zdeno Chara in a restroom on accident. God only knows what happens next.





	Charity Work

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me at @big-zs-d-stan on tumblr!!

It was late at the TD garden after a huge bruins win, late into double overtime. You find yourself stumbling around the mostly emptied out halls, wearing your #33 jersey, buzzing from either the excess beer or the high of the game. You have a grumbly in your tumbly and need to relieve yourself, it's urgent. You have to go so bad that you mistake the men's restroom for the women's and walk in as fast as you can.

You can tell you've walked into the wrong restroom when you spot a hulking, taller than a tree man standing near the sinks. He's stuffing paper towels into his balenciaga suit jacket. You stand still observing him; he must be at least seven feet tall. It's too late to back out of the room without being noticeably loud, but you try to anyway and bump into a trash bin. The man whips around and you can't believe your eyeballs. It's Zdeno Chara. THAT Zdeno Chara.

You never thought of him like that, but with the way his white dress shirt is fitting his broad shoulders and his chiseled abs, you cant help but feel flustered. He can tell, as he steps toward you, you freeze completely still. He bends down, and in his sexy slovak accent says, “Would you like a personal tour of the locker room?”

You’re taken aback. This sexy behemoth, this big, bulky unit of a man that’s been your idol since you were young has invited you to the bruins locker room. How could you say no? He eyes you up and down with his asymmetrical eyes. This makes you gulp.

“H-how could i say no to that?” you coyly shudder, looking up at Zdeno through your mussed up hair, who sways over you like a palm tree. He reaches down with his big thicc daddy hands and gently moves the strand of hair out of your face. You swear for a second you're going to nut, but you keep it contained.

With one swift sexy motion, Big Dicc Chara sweeps you off your feet and into his arms bridal style. You weren’t expecting it, but you certainly weren’t protesting it. You snuggle up against his giant fucking giraffe neck, gentle but firm, not so hard as to break it like he did to Max Pacioretty. 

"Hold on tight, baby girl” he muttered oddly as his long legs began to pick up speeds faster than a greased zamboni.

Before you know it, Big Daddy Zdeno Chara is zooming through the TD garden with you in his arms, surpassing speeds that humanity cannot even fathom. He moves elegantly for someone taller than the statue of liberty, and you feel safe in his beefy muscle man arms. You were scared at first, but you began to relax as you approached the locker room doors.

\----

You can see the big, yellow painted "B" on the black, tall doors in the distance. The doors were so tall, and so very doorlike. You wonder how Zdeno could even fit his big chunky man body through them. He stopped to a grinding halt, and you felt naseous as your speeds decreased in a volatile manner, like at the end of a roller coaster.

"We are here" he whispers in your ear, licking the side of your face sensually. The two of you have a Marchand and Komarov moment, and it's nice. You feel all the blood rush to your cheeks, but you cant help but feel disappointed as he slowly brings you back to your feet, right in front of the doors. All of it is happening so fast, but you suppose its important to take things kind of slow. You two did just meet in the mens bathroom, after all.

"This is all happening so fast." you say, almost out of breath, even though you did no running. Your hair is even more a mess than before, but you don't care. How often is it someone gets to take the slovak transit system? You feel blesséd, if anything.

"Yes, we should take things slow." he replies, smoothing out his gucci gucci prada versace dress pants. It's almost like he can read your mind, and it's such a turn on. You nod awkwardly in agreement, staring up at him in anticipation, waiting for him to open the doors.

He stares back, and for five minutes you have an unwarranted staring contest. His eyes are an unknown color, but they shine like beautiful tomato slices. Big juicy droplets of sweat roll down his long forehead and on to your cheeks. You feel like you've won the lottery. If you could, you would take all his sweat and bottle it. You would start a Chara Sweat Dispensary and become a multi-millionaire capitalist pig. What a dream it would be, but you remember to stay realistic.

"I need to warn you," Big Long Dicc Daddy starts unsteadily, hand resting on the back of his neck, like how nervous people do. "A few of my teammates are still in the locker room." 

However, all of his worry is erased when he sees your face light up. You can't believe your wildest dreams are coming true; you get to meet the rest of the disappointment bears.

 

\----

With his big yaoi hands, Big Thicc Dicc Z opened the door, and followed you inside. The both of you eneter a hallway filled with shelves of randomly assorted items, mostly bobbleheads, broken sticks, and beer bottles. You can see the miniature bobblehead players bobbing their heads along to the metal music being blasted from the room over. It was seriously LOUD music.

You feel those same pair of those big yaoi hands suddenly around your waist, and a hot breath glide across your neck. You feel like you're in a weird and mildly inappropriate sauna.

"Do you want to go inside?" Zee murmured seductively, in his thicc slav accent, "Or would you rather stay here?"

You don't even have time to answer when all of a sudden, the door at the end of the hallway slammed open, and a giant nose walked in, along with the body attached to it.

"Yo Big Z, you brought us a stripper?" the pizza rat said, burping between his words. You could smell him from across the room. "That's what's up my man!"

Of course, it was Bradley Kevin. He had four beer bottles in his hands, two in each claw, and was taking turns sipping from each of them. You weren't surprised to see him on the verge of being absolutely wasted, and in fact it was probably a normal occurence for him. The man liked to party, after all. 

"This is no stripper Brad, this is my precious little squirmy worm. We were going to make sweet, sweet love on the ground like animals, until you walked in here," Zdeno said defiantly, looking over at the rat and waiting for someone to come collect him. You cant believe Big Z talked about you so... kindly?... and you thought it was absolutely adorable. Just in time, a most beautiful statuesque man swooped in behind Brad.

"Hey, I'm so sorry about this," the man said hurriedly, focusing more on trying to haul Brad away from further making things worse. He had a mustache and a similarly big but not as big nose, and he reminded you of your stepfather. Of course, it was Patrice Bergeron.

"C'mon Bradley, we can go pretend to be ninja turtles somewhere if you want. I'll even let you be Michelangelo this time. Just please leave this poor girl alone."

Pat really was perfect in real life, a true hero, braver than the U.S. marines, as he grabbed a complaining Brad by the nose and lead him away from you and Chara.

Now that the intimate moment was interrupted, you decided it would be for the best to go inside the locker room and meet whoever else was there, just to get it over with. As you thought this, Zdeno stepped forward and opened up the locker room door, unleashing super loud Metallica upon your ears. Stepping through was like entering a different dimension, and you couldn't believe what you saw next.

\----

The room was huge, and it looked exactly how you expected: a generic locker room of any sorts. Bruins logos covered the walls, as well as inspirational posters with cats on them. However, this is not what really captured your attention. 

What shocked you the most was the several thousand wasps flying around the room, gravitating mostly over one odd troll-faced man. You ducked behind Zee, afraid of being stung by the thicc wasp stingers. However, he seemed unaffected, as if it was a normal occurence to share the lockers with wasps.

In the center of the wasp mosh pit was a tall, string bean man whose face looked like a character out of skyrim. Unlike the rest of the players you had encountered thus far, he wasn't wearing a nice suit or workout clothes, but rather an all black ensemble, and copious amounts of edgy 2008 Hot Topic brand eyeliner. He was standing on one of the bruins benches, whipping his curly hair around and headbanging to the loud ass music, the wasps moving with the rhythm of his body. The numerous wasps concealed his identity like a mask, a mask made of wasps.

"Tuukka, can you please disband your wasp assembly?" Chara tried to yell over the music, looking frustrated. You thought it was hot when he was angery. You were also not surprised to find out that it was Tuukka Rask (the Grinch God) that was the heavy-metal wasp overlord.

The thinn finn looked up from his concussion inducing head banging with anger in his eyes. They pierced your soul like a sexy, sexy cold icicle. He stopped his bopping, raising his arms into the air and chanting something menacing in Finnish. thank god you took finnish classes in high school, because you could decipher exactly what he was saying: "Olen ainoa hyvä pelaaja tässä joukkueessa. Suomi nousee jälleen!" Too bad you didn't know what it meant.

However, his screaming didn't stop. He continued to flip his dark hair through the wasp pile, screaming things like "Vihaan maitolaatikoita!" and "Olen eliitti!" At one point he even whipped out a skate blade and was whooshing it through the air like a wand. It was a terrifying experience, but it wasnt far off from what you expected him to be like, just less wasps. 

Eventually he calmed down, and the wasps left the building after he said his goodbyes to each individual one. However, he had nothing to say to you, except for to give you a dirty look, and he left the building in a huff to dance somewhere else.

\----

As soon as the wasp boy was gone, you could hear the door open again and two sets of footsteps enter. You knew who it was almost immediately, the footsteps sounded czech. They got progressively louder as you and Big Z waited in silence.

Rounding the corner, Pasta Parsnip himself appeared in front of you, alongside Krejci. You knew that Pasta made some interesting fashion choices, but it was overboard this time. He was wearing a cursed manbun, and a bedazzled plaid suit. The only thing he was missing was his pimp hat, and his two front teeth. He stood out, especially compared to his counterpart, who wore a modest grey suit. They seemed happy to stumble upon Chara, but confused to see you.

"I take it this is your guest for the charity event tonight," David said questionably, motioning to you.

Charity event?!

You looked back over at Zdeno, who had a panicked and guilty look on his face, then back over to happy David, then to indifferent David, then back to Zdeno. He put an arm around your shoulder, enveloping you in his sexy man musk. When he smelled like those slavic cow fields, you couldnt be mad with him. Just worried, because you looked like a major trainwreck, and you were not ready for any kind of charity event.

"Uhhh. Yes." he smiled at the two Davids, grip on your shoulder getting progressively tighter the more they talked about the event. At a certain point, you thought your arm was going to fall off. In fact, it actually did, and you had to bend down and reattach it. It was no big deal though.

The two davids looked at each other, sharing a telepathic message between them as they usually do, then back at you and chara. 

"Well, we'll see you there then," Old crusty dusty David said to the both of you. "Remember, it starts in twenty minutes. Do not be late, you wont want to miss it." It was the most you probably ever heard Krejc say in your life, and he had an unsettling look on his face. You were worried, in a very worrful way.

With that, David squared turned around and left the locker room.

\----

"We don't have much time, put this on." Big Zee said, turning to you and stuffing a giant red cape in your arms. "I can't explain it right now, you'll just have to see."

You were actually kind of hype for the charity event if you got to wear a cool red cape. You felt like a vampire. 'Maybe I should go to charity events more often', you thought to yourself as you twirled around in your capey cape. But there was really no time for this, and Zee grabbed your hand and the two of you took off running. The inside of the TD Garden was like a maze, but the two of you finally found the room labelled 'For Charity Events Only and Nothing Else, Please Nothing Else, Just Charity Events' and entered.

You were led down a pitch black hallway, that opened up to a gigantic room with a stage. There was an odd residue on the walls, almost like dried up blood. In the large room were rows and rows of chairs with odd looking figures wearing hoods, and as you walked past the hooded people, you realized that it was the entire bruins team, all wearing their giant illuminati capes, all holding candles in their hands. 

God this was weird, but sexy Daddie Chara wanted you to do this, so you would do it for him.

Hopping up on to the stage with his big thicc frog legs, Zdeno pulled you up, and placed you on the ceremonial throne.

It was a throne made of several skulls, as well as hockey sticks. You had to admit, it was kind of uncomfortable sitting on the throne of bones, having the entire bruins roster looking up at you with blank expressions on their face, illuminated by the glow of menacing candles. You wish you were sitting on Big Z's bone. Maybe after this charity event he would take you to the bone zone.

He stood sexily in front of the podium, and began his speech. 

"Hello, this is your captain speaking," Big Z started with his deep manly man voice. "Thank you all for coming to this year's annual charity event."

He looked over at you with flaming red satan eyes, then back at the crowd. They all started to sway in unison. It was HOT. Like literally, all the candles in the room were making the temperature go up.

"As you know, each year we do something for the hockey community that benefits us all, and this year is a very special one." he smiled, looking over at you. "But not because of our guest." 

You felt a pang of disappointment in your tum tum. Maybe big z daddy was just using you, you thought.

"It is a very special year because we are giving the hockey community the biggest, most charitable gift of all. We are finally executing Sidney Crosby." he said, making motions with his long spidery arms for everyone to stand up. 

The entire room stood up, lifting their candles in to the air. You couldn't believe it! It was like a sea of sexy hot flames. In fact, that's exactly what it was. One of the hooded men placed his to the ground and stepped forward, lowering his cape. 

"Permission to speak, O great captain?" the boy said, his cheeks looking thicc and full.

Chara looked down at the rookie boy with determination. 

"Yes, Charlie, permission granted." 

"Okay great," Chucky started, fiddling anxiously with his also thicc hands. You could tell this was probably his first 'charity event.' "So like, uhhhh, can we like, punch Sid a few times in the face before we execute him? Cause I really don't like him and I was just wondering-" he rambled quietly.

"Yes, you are allowed to punch him." Zee replied, rubbing his temples in frustration. Man, did you think it was sexy when he was a frustrated cult overlord. He swayed over the podium for a few moments, probably considering his life choices, and evetually regained his composure. "No more interruptions, please."

Yet another hooded man stepped forward, but did not ask for permission to speak this time, probably because he didn't give enough of a shit.

"Yeah, well, I want to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of the sid crosby tootsie pop." the man said drunkenly, lowering his hood, revealing a very intoxicated Brad Marchand. Suddenly, every hooded figure stepped forward, each claiming what theh wanted to do to the croc loving fiend.

"Minä tuhoan hänet!" the wasp grinch yelled out.

"Let me throw a cactus at him!" Krug shouted from the crowd.

"I WANT TO KILL HIM! LET ME KILL HIM!" adam m'quaid screamed at the top of his lungs very uncharacteristically, waving a pistol in the air. Where did he get that?

"Quiet, you thots." Chara the loud daddy yelled in his time-out voice. He looked like an angry father that was punishing his several grown adult children. "I am leaving the punishments up to her."

The crowd shifted to look at you, excitement in their eyes

\----

It was time to put on a show for these blood thirsty lads. After all, eliminating Sidney Crosby was perhaps the greatest and most charitable thing to do for the rest of the players in the league, and you personally had a distaste for him as well. There would be no chance of a threepeat after you were done with him.

You walked over to the podium, standing confidently in front of the hooded hockey players, who all crowded at the front of the stage. Rising your hands in to the air and flinging them around a few times for dramatic measure, you leaned into the mic. 

"Bring out Mr. Crosby." 

With that, glitter fell from the ceiling as Bruce Cassidy entered stage left, carrying a tied-up, crying Sid in his thicc arms.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! FUCK YEAH! YEEHAW!" M'quaid screamed at the sight, shooting several rounds of bullets into the air, causing everyone to duck. The usually quiet man was having a total acid trip.

"First," you breathed closely into the microphone, causing sharp feedback to reverberate through the building, "we will shave his hideous playoff beard."

The crowd erupted into cheers yet again, as you materialized a razor out of nowhere.

"Worst of all, with no shave cream." The cheering and chirping from the players only got louder.

Daddy Bruce Cassidy ripped the duct tape from his mouth, taking off a few hairs in the process. The penguins player let out a sad cry. His body was flailing all over like a fish, he was a sad, sad squirmy wormy worm indeed.

"Ah geez, please don't shave my playoff beard! I'll do anything, aw heck!"

But it was all to no avail, as you brought the crusty razor to his crusty face, flaking off his crusty beard onto the bare ground. Piles of his patchy excuse for a beard collected on the ground, looking very similar to a pile of dirt. His tears began again, flowing like a river, or another freshwater source.

"Next," you announced to the crowd enthusiastically, "We're going to throw his precious crocs in the trash."

You turned to him, the crowd cheering ever louder than before, to see the look of anguish on his face. You could see that he was really losing his marbles now, the thought of him without his crocs made him wince. It didn't matter though, It was what he deserved.

You pulled the bright yellow crocs from his feet and set them on fire from the flame of one of the cult candles. He watched in horror as the plastic liquified in front of him, his one treasured item now destroyed. The crowd roared as he set his head down, tears welling in his eyes yet again.

"I fucking hate this league." he whimpered, curling up into a ball.

\----

From the corner of a room, a sullen grey haired man entered, wearing a bright red jersey. His hair was wild, sticking up all over the place. He carried a hockey stick in one of his thicc hands. he made his way through the crowd, your eyes glued to him and he effortlessly elbowed his way through. You wondered if the caveman from the Smithsonian exhibit had escaped.

He looked up at you with his sparkling eyes.

"It shall be me who slays this demon." he said, in a heavy russian accent. A cold sexy wind blew through the gap in his teeth. "For it is I, the saviour of the Boston Bruins: Alexander Ovechkin."

The crowd gasped as they all stopped to look at him, a spotlight shining down on him in all his gloriousness. You grabbed his hand and pulled him on to the stage. Of course, it was Ovi. He was the only one that could possess the true power to get rid of Soggy Cornflakes. Your heart fluttered as you looked at him; he did look like an ogre, but he was a hot ogre nonetheless.

From the side of the stage, you could hear Slippery Crockpot sobbing loudly. It was getting on your nerves, and not just your nerves, but everybody's nerves. You looked over and found a lake's worth of tears forming. It would be best to get this over with so he could be put out of his misery. The man truly had nothing left: no beard, no crocs, and no chance of threepeating.

Ovi made his way over, sharp and deadly hockey stick in hand, being cheered on by everyone.

Suddenly, from across the other side of the room, a door opened up, bringing a blinding light alongside it. A tall, mysterious figure stood with its arms out menacingly, holding another hockey stick in the air.

"Wait right there!" the figure said in another thicc russian accent. "You're going to have to fight me first. I'm here to save my beloved."

The mystery man sprinted over. His face looked a like a foot. That was when it struck you; by god! It was Evgeni Malkin!

\----

Malkin and Ovechkin stood across from eachother on the stage, grips tight on their sticks. You, Chara, Sid, and the rest of the Bruins watched on in awe. This was a completely unexpected turn of events; and if it worked out in Sid's favor, it could even be considered a love story for the ages. 

"сука блять!" Ovi screamed at his arch-nemesis, mouth practically foaming with rage. His inner neanderthal was coming out. "You aren't supposed to be here."

Geno stepped toward him, raising his stick up to Ovi's throat. The crowd gasped in fear and watched on in anticipation. Debrusk had made some popcorn and was sharing it with the other baby bruins. Dobby covered his eyes. It was all very dramatic.

"You'll never make it past the second round. I hope you're ready to perish, thot." 

"Wait, wait! Don't do this!" a voice said from the crowd, as everyone turned to look. The spotlight turned away from the fight and onto a David Pastrnak. He had suddenly grown a full beard and was draped in a flowing white garment. It was Jesus Pastrnak!

"Yes, it is me, saviour of the world and the chippethed tootheth of darkneth." he said softly, rising in the air above everyone. It was a mesmerizing sight, as angelic music played in the background and cherubs came descending from the ceiling. "You do not need to fight. As it says in the Ten Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Kill Sidney Crosby." 

You looked at the two russians and saw them put their weapons down. 

"Maybe we do not need to fight after all." Ovi said reaching out to shake hands with Geno.

It was a sight of beauty, of peace and love. For the first time, everyone could get along with each other. Friends hugged one another and told tales of joyous times. Jesus Pasta walked around, blessing people and curing them of their ills, and spreading the word of his gospel.

"Thank god," Sid exclaimed, still tied up and laying on the stage. "Now I can play for the Canadiens."

At once, all the peace and joy abruptly came to an end. Everyone stared at him in confusion. What was this mad lad even talking about, playing for the Habs? 

"What the fuck you on about son?" Big Z questioned suspiciously.

"After the season is over, I'm planning to join the Canadiens. I'm so excited to bring the cup home to Montreal!" 

The room faded to complete silence. No, this was completely unacceptable. Newfound best friends Ovi and Geno looked at each other and Pasta Jesus joined them as the three all talked quietly bewteen eachother and came to an agreement.

"Uh, sorry but there's been a slight change of plans." Pasta Jesus spoke to the crowd. "As it turns out, it is okay to kill someone, so long as they're a Hab. Funny how that works... Commence the execution."

And with one fell swoop of his sharpened hockey stick, Alex beheaded Sid.

\----

It was a few months after the execution, and everyone had gone back to their lives as if nothing happened.

The Pittsburgh Penguins Organization issued a statement a day after the execution, stating: "Pittsburgh Penguin Sidney Crosby has died, this is so sad alexa play despacito."

The Bruins were doing well in the playoffs until they were unjustly knocked out by the bolts in the second round. Amazingly, the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup. Ovi could be seen parading the cup around D.C. with Sid's head sitting in it. He got his threepeat after all.

You and Zdeno would go out to lunch every once in a while, but nothing ultimately became of your relationship. His plant based diet drove the two of you apart, as well as his hand lotion obsession. The two of you decided to stay friends, but as time passed you eventually drifted apart.

Every once in a while you think of him.

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to my dawg @coltparayko on tumblr for the brilliant idea of jesus pasta as well as many other things. don't forget to leave a kudos or a comment, i thrive on validation


End file.
